The Bitch

Sometimes those years of studying Literature get the better of me. I harp on the word choice of my partner, when she never really meant it the way I obsess. Then there are those delightful times when her clever play of words evoke the grin on my face.

Last night, The Bitch and I were sitting in front of the television with our laptops, working and watching television, a regular weekday night. I took a break from my work and went over to her to get some of what we call “C&K”. After some obligatory pecks she clicked her tongue in annoyance and moved away.

Me: What?

The Bitch: Sigh

Me: You finding me a pain in the ass?

The Bitch: Yeah, sometimes. You taking a break doesn’t mean I want to take a break too, you know.

Shortly after, she took her break by playing with her iPhone and giving The Boys “C&K” instead. Then she went to bed only calling The Boys after her.

As you may expect, I sulked about it the whole night. Negative thoughts filled my head as I tossed and turned. Annoyed at her annoyance, pissed at having been given the cold shoulder, and hurt from being “a pain in the ass”.

To me, being “a pain in the ass” is big. It’s being a real pain. In the ass. A bother, an annoyance, causing trouble. A source of unhappiness. Undesirable.

Then this morning she came over to my side of the bed before she left for work.

The Bitch: [kissed my forehead] Love you.

Me: But I’m a pain in the ass wad.

The Bitch: Yeah, but you’re my favourite pain in the ass. [kissed my forehead again]

And with that, it’s been a good day. She also made me curry chicken for dinner. Me = Happy camper = Sucker. It’s really in the little things sometimes.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words and food excite me.

Curry Chicken

Yum Yum

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On the bus to Halong Bay in Vietnam, not long ago

Tourguide: [calls my name]

Me: Yes, here. [raises hand]

Tourguide looks at me and The Bitch, then looks down at his clipboard, then looks at me and The Bitch again

Tourguide: [points at both of us] Double bed? [raises eyebrow] Twin, yes?

Me: No, double bed.

Tourguide: Oh, now winter, very cold. *puts his arms to his chest demonstrating a shiver, explaining to all the other people on the bus that winter must be the reason why two women would want to huddle together in a double bed instead of sleeping in separate twin beds.*

Me: [laughs sheepishly]

—————-

Back in Singapore during the Chinese New Year Period, recent

My brother got attached (like what, 3 months?!) and my parents started to shift their “why are you not attached yet” concerns to me.

Mother: So, you in Shanghai got boyfriend or not?

Me: Errrr…

Mother: You need to start looking already you know.

Me: Still early wad. You guys also married when you were in your 30s.

Father: That’s why we regret and hope you will marry earlier. See now so old and ?????? (don’t have grandchildren).

Mother: Now you start looking, then also takes time, so by that time also in your 30s already.

Father: [The Bitch] also not married ah?

Me: No.

Father: So you influenced by her?

Me: Huh? No.

Father: Are you still in contact with (my previous ex girlfriend, very butch and raised my parents’ suspicions in the past)?

Me: Not really.

Father: [looking relieved] Then what about (the only guy friend they’ve seen me with in my Shanghai years)? Got meet him?

Me: Err, no.

————-

In Singapore, several years ago

Mother in an email, when a Canadian friend wanted to crash at my place in Singapore: But she and you can’t sleep on the same bed.  Either one of you have to sleep on the floor.  It is very unhealthy for both of you to sleep on a bed meant for one person.  Remember this wherever you are.  Your friend [previous ex] also should not sleep together with you on your bed.  Your bed is too small for two persons.

————

Can you tell if my parents know? Or maybe they’re just very… concerned about my affinity with older, single women. And their “influence” on me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever come out to my parents. And as the years go by, it doesn’t get easier. I’m of what they call the “marriageable age” and the parents have started to make sure I’m aware of it.

My father was especially wary of my closeness with my previous ex. When he saw how butch she was he went “Does she always dress like that? Do you know people like her target girls like you to make love? People like her are ?? (perverse), they will kill the girl and chop them up into pieces. Newspapers always say so.” No thanks to Singapore media for painting horrific images of “people like her”.

There’s no one I can really count on as a “role model” as to how it should or can be done. Sure, there’s the awe inspiring Ellen DeGeneres who has made it all work out (with an amazing wife, may I add), but that’s pretty far removed from the reality of my very Asian, very traditional parents and lifestyle. I still watch YouTube videos of Ellen and Portia once in a while though, because I always get a “feel good” sensation after. It gives me hope, that one day…maybe me too? I actually have a gay Uncle-in-law — my mother’s brother’s wife’s brother, who is supposed to help alleviate the negative impressions the family has of homosexual people, but unfortunately for me he has more of a promiscuous lifestyle that the family frowns upon. Having this gay Uncle-in-law has created more of a bane than a boon for me, as it’s even harder for me to erase the negativity the family feels for homosexuals after what they’ve seen and heard of him. Not all visibility is good. So it may be up to me to set the precedence in my family and extended family to prove that a gay person can have a very happy, healthy, “normal” life. Can I fill such big shoes? Or I could continue hiding behind the image of a soon-to-be spinster, the “left on the shelf” auntie who won’t be giving out red packets during Chinese New Year, nor bring any boyfriends (nor girlfriends unless I come out to them) during family events.

And that eats me from inside, really. That my cousin can bring his girlfriend, my brother is bugged to bring his girlfriend, while here I am happily attached but not able to share this part of my life with my family. I can’t flaunt my relationship status like everyone else, nor can I place lovey dovey pictures of The Bitch and I on Facebook. I can’t bear to leave the nest I’ve built with The Bitch in Shanghai, as it can’t be replicated back in Singapore when there’re just too many family obligations and questions.

I came out to my boss within the first three months of working with him, and I really appreciate how he treats it like it was the most normal thing in the world. With sensitivity of course, by not announcing it to the entire office. I’m out to most friends, and I’m glad they’ve been accepting of it and it’s already so normalized now. I also have more friends who are gay and forming social groups with them have done a lot for the soul.

What happened on the bus to Halong Bay, if it had been several years ago I might have been more vocal about the reality of my relationship. I used to want people to know, and then when they reacted negatively I would brave it out and tell them otherwise. But then I got tired of all the backfire so I stopped being so “out”. I have my own private life and it doesn’t matter what others think about it anymore.

But like they say about baby steps, I thought I’d step up a little to do this. Tell the world wide web today, tell the family one day.

How do you say it though? How do you break the news to the father who makes a long-distance call to you from time to time and goes on at length about the TCM remedies he’s working on to extend his life “so that [he] can see [me] get married and have kids”?

 

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We spent some time last night watching YouTube videos of Ellen DeGeneres and her wife, Portia. We caught Portia’s interview on The Ellen Show about her book, Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain; oohed and ahhed throughout their wedding video; and took in, albeit vicariously, their romantic getaway at Bora Bora. Still feeling all warm and fuzzy from experiencing how great they are together despite the age difference (*ahem*), I had this conversation with The Bitch this morning:

Me: So between Ellen and Portia, who would you go for?

The Bitch: (Without a moment’s hesitation!) You. *looks at me with a smile and that gaze*

[Cue: awwwwwwwww] *blush* Yeah yeah I know she deviated from the question and her answer is so cheesy but still.

Must be one of those days. Was I wearing red underwear? Nope. Did Pepper chew one of my things and The Bitch was trying to make up for it? Nope. Check iPeriod app on the iPhone — is she in her happy period (5th – 13th day of cycle)? Check.

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This conversation happened on the way home, with us huddled under a single small umbrella in the drizzles, one of those nights when the temperatures start to dip in Shanghai.

The Bitch and I have recently found a new love together — Baguette with Fish Roe (ming tai zi), offered at a Japanese owned French bakery at Metro City, 2 blocks away from our apartment. We buy a loaf or two to indulge in pretty often these days. Today was one of those days we decided to eat out at Metro City for dinner, so we bought two loaves of Baguette with Fish Roe for supper later. It was freshly toasted just for us!

On the way home:

Me: The bread very nice hor. Just toasted somemore. Super shiok.

The Bitch: Yeah loh. Freshly toasted does taste different. But the guy didn’t put as much roe as before leh.

Me: (Touching the bag from the bakery) Haiyah, cold already.

The Bitch: (Holding the umbrella and wincing from the rain) Yeah we should hug tighter since it’s much colder today. Later must on electric blanket before we go to bed too.

Me: I meant the bread….cold already not so nice to eat….

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Me: Been here for so many years and I haven’t checked out the annual auto show in Shanghai. Let’s go this year leh.

The Bitch: Don’t want la later I keep drooling.

Me: Yeah a lot of hot girls there hor.

The Bitch: I meant the cars. I love cars.

Me: So we should go! You go see cars I go see hot girls next to the cars.

The Bitch: But only I can touch (the cars), you cannot (touch the girls).

Me: …..

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I stopped playing Tiny Zoo. Just lost interest somewhat.

The Bitch has found another game to keep her entertained while we wait for our meals at restaurants, after she finishes her meal, and before bed.

Picture this. We go to a nice restaurant near The Bund for dinner. I wanted to celebrate — I got a pay raise. We look at the menu, we order. Then she picks up her iPhone and occupies herself — collecting cash from animals in Tiny Zoo; serving dishes and making new ones in Tiny Chef; and most recently, throwing out a fishing line and reeling in big fishes — while I sip on a glass of warm water, looking around in the restaurant at other patrons looking like they’re having a good time with their dinner companions. A couple of them look back at me with a faint smile of acknowledgment, and I think to myself: do they think of me as a lousy dinner companion to warrant such behavior from my own dinner companion? I take another sip from my glass, and dig in my little dinner bag for my own iPhone. I check emails, fiddle around a little bit in the iPhone menu at nothing in particular, while watching her give her iPhone all the attention it seems to need from her. I look out the window of the restaurant at people walking by and people across that street. “Hey, do you think that’s a gentleman’s club?” “Hmm? Yeah probably.” Well, a lame question deserves a lame answer I guess.

On a separate occasion, we enter a a nice wine shop with nice sofa seats. We select a 2006 Casa de la Ermita to enjoy. After we take our first sips, the iPhone is lifted from her side of the table and it’s the same story.

The iPhone has helped us be savvy, and connected. But sometimes, I’d really like iPhone-free time with her.

The Bitch and her iPhone

The Bitch and her iPhone

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Read how my (semi- angry) affair with Tiny Zoo started in Part 1.

The Bitch sent me an invitation to download Tiny Zoo so that she could get 10 Tiny Zoo bucks. Being the kind and helpful girlfriend that I am, I downloaded the game, wrote her name as the recruiter, so we both received 10 Tiny Zoo bucks. Ka-ching!

Now what should I do with these bucks? I started playing Tiny Zoo myself, it being the October Golden Week National Day holidays in China anyway.

There are so many cute animals to buy for my zoo. With papa bear and mama bear, I can breed 2 baby bears! When the whole family is complete, the animals animate when I touch them! And I can cross-breed Black Bears with African Elephants to get Woolly Mammoths! Misleading for the kids, but interesting way to create hybrid animals in Tiny Zoo. We can also create “Collections” of animals to unlock new animals as well as exclusive awards such as Tiny Zoo bucks and XP (experience) points. For example, the “Furry Friends” collection includes Bears, Chimps, Camels and Lions. Once I have complete families for these “Furry Friends”, I will be rewarded with 1 buck, 4016 XP and unlock a new animal!

Other than animals, I’ve also set up shops and decorations for my Tiny Zoo. It’s too soon to say whether my interest in this game will wane after the holidays, but I’ve already reached Level 17 in just 4 days!

But it’s a no-brainer fluffy game you say? Quite the contrary. Different animals provide you with different values. For instance, the Snow Leopard collects 1.5K coins and 300 xp every 5 hours and costs 9 bucks. The American Bison collects 5K coins and 400 xp every 20h and costs 4,999 coins. Which would you rather buy? Shops work pretty much the same way too. With the limited space in your zoo and if you’re on the quest to expand as quickly as you can, building a strategy is needed to get maximum returns from the animals and shops you purchase. It is a business simulation game afterall, with the Zoo being your business.

The Bitch chose to make her zoo as lucrative as possible, and has blocked out Zoo visitors (tiny people who come and look at your animals but contribute nothing) and made use of every acre of zoo land space to be money-making, be it shops or animals. I, on the other hand, feel happy when there are tiny people visiting my Zoo although they are absolutely useless to my business. I’ve built them gravel pathways to be able to view every animal and visit shops like Panda Gift Shop, Monkey Shop, and eat ice-cream at the Ice Cream Parlor.  Once I expand the zoo, I’ll build a children’s play area and make my Tiny Zoo look fun and more like a Zoo!

After all, I’m already too late to join in the “global” race like how The Bitch is (in the Top 5. GLOBALLY.). :D

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The Bitch I knew (before her iPhone came into the picture) was always approachable and pretty cool. Then her sister got her an iPhone and she started playing those Tiny games.

It started with Tiny Chef. I used to play this game myself and I can understand how it can disrupt your life. I cooked so many dishes in the game, opened 4 restaurants, hired n number of waiting staff, and allowed myself to keep this virtual restaurant business at the back of my mind in my daily life. It fit into my routine pretty well. Just woke up? Check on the Fish & Chips I set last night that needed 8 hours to cook. Serve it, and set the steak to cook for the next 8 hours I’ll be away at work. Or a 4 hours dish like Carne Asada Tostada so that I can serve and cook during lunchtime. Back from work? Time to cook all those 1 hour dishes like Edamame or Mozzarella Sticks. Then I’ll whack those 6-12 hour dishes before bedtime like Cheese Ravioli and Pot Roast. Things I’ve never heard or eaten before in real life.  I played Tiny Chef for about a month or two before other games, or well, life (and work) took over.

The moment The Bitch got her hands on her iPhone 4, she downloaded Tiny Chef and made it her goal to overtake me. Well, overtake me she did, and then went on build her own “Tiny empire” with another game called Tiny Zoo. Both games are by the game company TinyCo and they’ve successfully gotten The Bitch hooked on their simulation games. She enjoys building more and more restaurants by cooking more and more dishes; and with Tiny Zoo she gets to keep animals (her Achilles’ Heel)! It’s in her current daily routine to check on her Tiny Chef and Tiny Zoo before bed, the moment she wakes up, and several times throughout the day. There’s always something for her to do on these games — collect cash, build something, move something, visit other gamers’ restaurants or zoo to tip them (and collect experience points).

Her progress (or her positive addiction) has reached to a point where she can use it to get me off her back. Last night, we were both in bed preparing to sleep, she was fiddling with her iPhone as usual, collecting cash on her Tiny Zoo. I was itching for some pillow talk but as I was edging closer to her and began talking, she said “Shhhhh. I’m going to break through to level 41. Do you know what that means? Globally?” My girlfriend is in the top 5 players in Tiny Zoo! WOW. And so I’ve learnt to accept being 2nd place, really. But of course I do secretly hope her interest in these games will fizzle out someday soon. And the day may be near!

Recently, an update was made to Tiny Zoo and it wiped out The Bitch’s inventory by mistake. “They’re so lousy with their customer service. I’ve been complaining to them about their bugs and fixes but they haven’t replied. If they screw up again I’m so giving up this game.” TinyCo, please hear my prayers.

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That darn dog

16 September 2011 · 0 comments

in The Bitch, The Boys

It has been quite a challenge for me to be someone who doesn’t even look at dogs nor touch them, to someone who embraces living and sleeping with dogs (on the other side of the bed).

But there are still times when I cannot let sleeping dogs lie. Excuse the double entendre.

A few hours before I retired to bed last night, I went to the bedroom and found Bailey lying on my side of the bed, beneath the quilt, with his a**hole on my pillow. Now, this is a big no-no that he committed and he grumbled when I chased him down and hit him. The Bitch was amused that he would guard her side of the bed and sleep on my side to “lay his stink” on it. He was clearly protecting his owner and making enemies with the Other. Agreed course of action with The Bitch was that she must be the one to discipline him the next time he does it.

Fast forward to just as I was about to lay in bed next to The Bitch to sleep, I found Bailey once again in the position he had acquired earlier. I commanded him to get down from the bed, to which he grumbled and moved towards The Bitch, planting himself between her and my space. I took my pillow and tried to shoo him off, and knocked down my full cup of water in the process. This finally woke the snoring Bitch up and she gently asked Bailey to get down to his bed and pillow on the floor next to her.

After wiping up the spilt frustration on the floor, I went to Bailey’s bed and told him to get out of the room. I wanted to enforce that sleeping on my side of the bed is strictly forbidden and doing so will result in punishment. The Bitch, however, told me that such a command will antagonize him. When I said “get out” and pointed towards the door, Bailey started scratching the side of the bed and tried to climb to The Bitch, his owner with arms for armor. I reached out in attempt to grab him but he snapped and threatened to bite me. See, you antagonized him.

Well, now you’ve antagonized me. I took my mobile and cup back to my room and spent the night there instead. Like it isn’t enough having to deal with all the fur on my clothes; being woken up by the scratching on the floor in the morning; the barks throughout the day whenever someone is near the door or just in our floor landing; the endless growling and barking when ahyi is here, having to sit on a sofa that has dark patches and stink from Bailey’s saliva from his self-fellatio indulgence; accidentally eating fur in my sleep because they’re all over on the bed; sleeping with blankets that smell of The Boys; greeted by the house smelling like a dog house when I come home everyday — and now that darn dog can “lay his stink” on my side of the bed and I have to eff off.

Enough for now. I need to be in the only dog-free zone in the house for a while.

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I’ve been enjoying breakfast bonding time with The Bitch these days since I report for work at 10.30am (I compensate by working at night, on weekends, and over holidays — the boons and banes of being answerable to any happenings of a website). We had a rather interesting discussion over breakfast at McDonald’s the other day.

Me: So after I give you RMB X as my 2 months’ rent deposit we need to draw up an agreement. We should discuss what happens to the rent deposit if we break up. Like if we fight and you chase me out of the house, I should be entitled to get my rent deposit back.

The Bitch: If you ditch me first I get to keep your rent deposit.

Me: If you have someone else, I have to move out and should get my rent deposit back.

The Bitch: But you can still stay in your room if I don’t chase you out wad. If you choose to move out then you forfeit your deposit.

Me: So if you ditch me and bring your new partner home, I have to stay and watch you with that person? Or else move out and forfeit my deposit?

The Bitch: Yeah. Same for you. We can break up and you can bring your new partner home.

Me: Huh not fair wad. In any case, if I choose to move out I’ll have to forfeit my deposit while you get to keep the apartment and the mattress and other shared assets. If you chase me out all I get back is my own money but no form of compensation leh.

The Bitch: There should be one month’s notice.

Me: So I can plan to move out but don’t tell you until the last day of the month so that I can at least recoup 1 month of my deposit?

The Bitch: Like a resignation, you have to give 30 day’s notice. So if you decide to move out at the end of the month, you still have to pay till the end of the following month.

Am I getting the short end of the stick?

 

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