I came out to a Korean friend today. For those who do not know what coming out means, go read up.
Somehow, it doesn’t seem to get easier with every coming out experience.
If you don’t know the difficulty of coming out - well, I don’t really know how to go about describing the difficulty to you either, but just know that it is a hundred ten times more difficult than coming clean to people about facts like you smoke, or watch porn, or that you get high sniffing your own armpits.
Anyway, this Korean friend of mine had no prior experience with anyone in such a “special relationship”.
Out of the many people I have told, this Korean friend is probably the first I have come across who has never known anyone “like this”. It may actually be the easiest to tell a person like her because her glasses are untainted, so she mostly swallows what you say and holds not much prejudice. She just has many questions, like why I would want to be with Sam, since she has many very good gal pals but never wanted to be with them (?!). A question like that is quite a first for me, and I succeeded in answering without laughing.
Nevertheless I couldn’t stop wondering after that, whether I did “our people” right by explaining things properly; whether she’ll treat me differently from now on; or whether she’s just pretending not to mind. I get really sensitive over such stuff and even wonder why she hooked her arm with mine before lunch and then walked a little distance away after.
And despite coming out to many people already, I still have problems using proper terms and resort to using euphemisms like “特别的朋友” (special friend).
Do you think I’m actually enjoying this? That maybe I crave for such attention or possess some perverse desire to be outstanding by inviting prejudice?
Of course I have the visions like all of you who were brought up in this media-powered world. Yup, that means all of us. Sometimes when I’m talking to my mother over the phone I just want to tell her about my dear girlfriend but yet I manage to concoct all sorts of stories and lies in hope that she wouldn’t suspect anything. Lies only grow on top of one another and form this mountain that has become so big today it cannot be moved nor broken down.
I wish —
I could tell my parents how happy I am with Sam
I could introduce Sam to my extended family
I could bring Sam to family gatherings and that everyone would love her
I could see Sam play with my nieces and nephews
I could bring Sam to all sorts of family events like weddings and funerals
I could say yes I have a girlfriend to my classmates whenever they ask whether I have a boyfriend
I could tell my parents the truth about my ring, my holidays, and the smile on my face
I just wish I could tear down that mountain of lies one day soon.
